How to Finally Share the Invisible Mental Load of Motherhood (and Stop Being the Family Manager)
The "Invisible" Job of a Mom
You're remembering the nappy size, tracking immunizations, planning meals, and researching the next step in your bub's feeding journey, all while your partner asks, "What can I do to help?"
If that question makes you feel more exhausted than relieved, you're experiencing what's known as the mental load of motherhood, which is the constant, behind-the-scenes work of managing a household and caring for a family.
This constant mental and emotional oversight can lead to mom burnout, resentment, and a sense of managing everything alone. The good news? The load can be shared, softened, and made visible, so the entire family can feel more balanced.
This guide gently walks through what the invisible load looks like, how to talk about it, and practical ways to lighten it without guilt.
What the Mental Load of Motherhood Actually Looks Like (And Why It's Exhausting)
The mental load of motherhood is the ongoing mental labor of planning, anticipating, and coordinating family life. For many moms, especially a new mom navigating postpartum, this invisible labor can feel heavier than the tasks themselves. It shows up in the countless unseen tasks you manage, the ones that keep the household running smoothly without anyone noticing.
This load is often invisible, often unrecognized, and affects both physical health and emotional well-being. This is especially true for working mothers, millennial parents, and families where one partner (usually the mom in heterosexual relationships) carries a large share of at least 30.4 hours per week worth of daily thinking, organizing, and anticipating.1
Here's what makes up the invisible workload:
1. Cognitive Labor — the thinking work
This includes the ongoing tracking of family needs:
- Doctor’s appointments, nap schedules, next-size-up clothes
- Rotating recipes, school lunches, making lunches, and meal plans
- Logistical planning, managing calendars, or figuring out which Bubs product fits the weaning stage using an infant formula calculator
This is why the mental load is different from just doing tasks; it’s about overseeing the whole system.
2. Emotional Labor — the feeling work
This includes:
- Managing the emotional climate of the home
- Supporting little ones and older children
- Carrying the emotional weight of family dynamics
- Being the default caregiver even while you juggle everything else
This is deeply meaningful work, but it draws heavily on your emotional and mental reserves.
3. Physical Labor — the doing work
These are the visible tasks that stem from the thinking work:
- Laundry, dishes, household labor
- Cleaning, delegation of chores, organising the week
- Planning meals, snacks, and dinners
- The daily execution that one parent may end up doing simply because they already oversee so much
Over time, when mothers carry the majority of invisible and visible work, it can lead to postpartum anxiety, postpartum depression, or simply feeling like you're at a breaking point.
The “Remind and Delegate” Trap (and Why It Feels So Draining)
Even when partners genuinely want to share responsibilities, many mothers still find themselves stuck in the “remind and delegate” role. You might ask your partner to “help,” but you’re still the one:
- Noticing what needs to be done
- Keeping track of timings and details
- Assigning tasks and checking they’re finished
In other words, you’re still the project manager, even if someone else is doing parts of the job. This is a big part of the mental load, and it’s often invisible. In many heterosexual couples, research shows that one parent, usually the mom, ends up carrying more of this invisible labor, on top of everything else.2
Over time, this disproportionate load can lead to very real impacts on your wellbeing, such as:
- Chronic Exhaustion - A deep fatigue from your brain never switching off, not just a lack of sleep
- Anxiety and Decision Fatigue - Constant fear of dropping the ball and feeling overwhelmed by endless choices
- Resentment - Growing frustration toward a partner who doesn't carry the same invisible burden
- Physical Impact - Stress-related health problems and difficulty truly relaxing
What's important to remember is that these feelings are completely normal responses to an unsustainable workload; they are not personal failings or signs that you're not coping well enough.
The First Step: Making the Invisible, Visible
Before anything can change, you and your partner need a shared picture of what you’re actually carrying. Most of the mental load is often invisible, even to you, until it’s written down.
1. Start with a gentle “brain dump”
Set aside a quiet moment and write down everything that runs through your mind in a typical week, including the unseen tasks like:
- Keeping track of nappies, wipes, clothes, and sizes
- Remembering doctor’s appointments and forms
- Planning meals, snacks, and lunch or school lunches
- Organising childcare, activities, and family logistics
- Managing reminders, follow-ups, and “don’t forgets” for the whole household
This exercise is particularly important given that 62 percent of all women say that their partner contributes less time than they do themselves.1 Whether you use a shared app, whiteboard, or simple paper, organize tasks into categories like household management, childcare logistics, meal planning, and research decisions.
Seeing it all on the page helps you and your partner understand how much invisible work you’re doing to keep life running smoothly.
2. Talk about it as a team
When you’re ready to share the list, choose a calm moment and keep the focus on partnership, not blame. You might say:
- “I didn’t realize how much I was holding in my head. Can we look at this together?”
- “I’d love for us to find a way to share responsibilities so it feels lighter for both of us.”
This opens the door for both of you to notice patterns, talk about what feels heavy, and start to rebalance things in a way that supports your mental and physical health.
3. Move from “helping” to ownership
The next step is moving from “Can you help with this?” to “Can you oversee this?”
That might look like one partner fully owning:
- All things groceries and meal planning
- All doctor’s appointments and medical paperwork
- All nappy and wipe stock (checking, ordering, restocking)
When one partner truly owns a category, you’re no longer the default project manager. The load becomes visible, shared, and just a little bit lighter—for you, your partner, and your entire family.
Actionable Strategies for Workload Redistribution
Once the invisible work of moms is named and visible, meaningful change can happen. These strategies help lighten the load, support your emotional well-being, and create healthier family systems where both partners share responsibilities.
1. Use the “Decide Once” Rule
The "decide once" rule transforms how you approach routine choices by making a decision once, then creating a system so you never have to think about it again.
Practical examples of the "decide once" rule include:
- Meal Planning - Create five rotating dinner menus and shop from the same list each week
- Baby Prep - Keep the nappy bag permanently packed with essentials so it's always ready
- Subscriptions - Automate bill payments and choose a trusted clean baby formula on subscription, so you never have to research or remember to reorder.
Bubs® clean baby formula is modelled on nature and backed by science, which means you can trust your choice and free your mind from worry about your bub's foundational feeding needs.
Our formulas are made with clean, high-quality ingredients and no hidden nasties. With options like grass-fed cow’s milk and pure goat milk for sensitive tummies, they’re carefully crafted to support gentle digestion, immune health, and healthy growth.
Knowing you have a formula you trust means one less decision to juggle.
2. Share Ownership, Not Tasks
Instead of asking your dad/partner to “help,” allow them to fully oversee a category. For example, if your partner manages doctor’s appointments, they book, track, and follow up without reminders.
This stops the cycle where one parent is still the default manager. True ownership allows you to feel genuinely supported
This form of delegation is one of the most effective ways to feel empowered and lighten an unsustainable mental load.
3. Build Your Support Network
Support can come from anywhere:
- A support group of other parents
- Occasional cleaning help
- Meal kits or ready-to-go lunches
- Time with friends to socialize
- Therapy for moms or talking with a psychotherapist
These aren’t luxuries, they nurture your mental and physical health, especially during postpartum.
4. Outsource Without Guilt
Outsourcing is simply a way of providing support to yourself and your family. Using helpful tools, choosing reliable products, or streamlining school lunches and household tasks can reduce much invisible or repetitive work.
By sharing systems, building routines, and lightening the load, families build smoother rhythms, steadier moods, and more space for joy.
Nourishing the Partnership: Protecting Time and Self
Sharing the mental load isn’t only about chores — it’s also about how supported each of you feels. When both parents have space to rest, the whole home feels calmer.
Protecting Time for You
Small pockets of self-care can make a big difference to your mental and physical health, especially in the postpartum months. Self-care for moms might look like a short walk on your own, a quiet coffee, a chat with a friend, or even therapy for moms or a support group if things feel especially heavy. These aren’t luxuries; they’re part of looking after yourself so you can keep nurturing your family.
Checking In as a Team
A simple weekly check-in worth ten minutes to talk about what felt heavy, what felt lighter, and what needs shifting. This can help you both share responsibilities more fairly and stay connected, so one parent isn’t quietly reaching a breaking point.
Letting Bubs Lighten the Mental Load
Choosing a clean, trusted formula like Bubs can also ease some background worry. Bubs formulas are modelled on nature and backed by science, with carefully selected ingredients and no hidden nasties, so you have one less thing to overthink and a little more energy for each other and your bub.
The Long Game of Parenting and Partnership
Redistributing the mental load is an ongoing process. It takes patience, honest conversations, and a willingness from both partners to build new habits together. There will be trial and error, so remember to celebrate small wins and give yourselves plenty of grace as you find your rhythm as a team.
Even one small step, like writing down ten tasks or handing over one category to your partner, is powerful progress toward a more balanced foundation for your family.
And as you gently rebalance things at home, Bubs can help take one more worry off your plate. With formulas modelled on nature and backed by science, made with clean, carefully chosen ingredients and no hidden nasties, Bubs gives you a trusted base for your bub’s nutrition, so you can spend less time managing and more time enjoying the little moments together.
Sources:
- Melbourne Institute. Taking the Pulse of the Nation. https://melbourneinstitute.unimelb.edu.au/data/taking-the-pulse-of-the-nation/2024/ttpn-june-2024
- Ovid. A typology of US parents' mental loads. https://www.ovid.com/journals/jmaf/pdf/10.1111/jomf.13057
